Just one more

Life is a series of "one mores"
Add up all these "one mores"
They will equal our life time.

One more cry leading to smiles
One more bedtime story
One more candy
One more final exam

One more kiss
One more heartbreak
One more opportunity
One more win

Every one more new moment
searching for
One more new path

Till the last one more breath

Love , a memory.. not a dream.

Love is not just kisses
It's also silences
And the words that said themselves.
It's holding hands
While crossing a busy road.
It's a peck on your cheek
Before you get dropped at your destination.

Love is not just cuddles
It's the smell of the coffee
That awakens you in the mornings.
Its the bottle of scotch
Waiting for you, to be opened.
It's the memory brought
By the old song from 90s.

Love is not just gifts and roses
It's the old tshirt
Someone saved for you
for the comfort of summer.
It's old love letters
Stashed away by angst.
Its your name being said
With a smile or a moan.

Just live

Glorify every passing moment
As death is the only certainty of life.
No grandeur can last longer
than the last breath.
People measure us
By everything we didn't do.
You be sure to measure it
By the moments that brought you alive.
Our memories are ours.
To the rest they are but stories
and tales, a once upon a time.
Glorify every passing moment
Make every breath a grandeur memory

An empty wardrobe called heart

An empty heart
It looks so bare
I remember all those feelings
Which hanged in there

Serene bliss of smelling kid's hair
Feeling at home in loved ones arm
Now searching for these comforts
I remember holding them close to heart.

Joy and pride of small victories
Urge to do more after every setback
Where did these motivations go
I remember nurturing the broken heart.

Emptiness after reading a good book Trickling tears watching sad endings
Did I lock these up in a wardrobe
Leaving an empty heart

Laughing out loud is now lol
Can you be with me is now I am fine thanks
Is it indifference or cry for help

A shut empty wardrobe
With remnants of vague memories
That's what I now call my heart.

Hope

I look back more often
May be you are there
May be I missed a turn
May be you were waiting for me
I cant help
But I still keep looking back
Hoping to see you looking for me
Hoping you are  still around me.

Don't know what to name it

You peer into my eyes
Make me trance
Holding me firm
Leading me to life.

Your name
Spells my life so perfect
The way I always craved.
Your existence
Makes me live
As a blessing untold.

Falling and Rising in Love

Falling in love at first sight is deceiving.
We fall in love with the idea of someone
And not with the one who is receiving.
People only reveal themselves in pieces.
We fill in the gaps, with what we forced ourself into believing.

Rising in love is self revealing.
In midst of silent stolen gazes
When no words are spoken yet more is said than what you intended saying.
You look into their eyes and there is no disguise
The gaps are filled with trust then life is more fulfilling.

A New Year Advice - To the IT Team

Ladies and Gentlemen !!
Do unit testing.

If I could offer you only one tip for the successful New Year, unit testing would be it
Long-term benefits of unit testing have been proved by IT evangelists

Whereas the rest of my new year advice has no basis more reliable
than any politician's election manifesto.

Wear an ugly shirt to work
It distracts people more than the defects in the work delivered.

Work as team
To avoid being that single answerable person

Love your peers. Love their leers and sneers.
Someday they might be your guardian angel for deadline nightmare.

Don't quit when work gets tiring
Grin as smile stays between ears.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Document.

Don't waste your time on Facebook
Remember compliments you receive, forget the escalations,
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Read the HLD even if you don't follow them
Try to update LLD before you code them.

Accept certain inalienable truths
Modules come and go
But a precious few work across releases.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and budget.
The older you get, the more you need to work on excel sheets.

Never mess too much with your code
Instead of 30 you will end up with 70 defects.

Be patient whose advice you buy
And be careful with those who supply it
But trust me on the Unit Testing.

** Inspired by Sunscreen song 

Don't shoo me away

Ringing Phone
Buzzing Notifications
Worrying list of Unticked to-do list
What do I start next
What do I ignore next

Corner cubicle
Overlooking lush green patch
encircled by concrete jungle.
Lost in work
And losing in life.

Red and Blue, Gold and pink
Colors of life,
Talking butterfly on laptop , hallucinating?
fluttering with gay
On the pale excel grid.

"Dont shoo me away. I am you.
Come along, lets take a walk.
Dont shoo me away. I am you.
Fly along lets have a view"
Cant you see I am skyping

Red, Blue and  Gold , Where did your pink go?
Get off my hair ,before I shoo you away
"Dont shoo me away. I am you.
Lets go out and make some friends "
cant you see I am mailing.

Red and Blue ,Gold is gone too.
Please Dont fade away.
"Then Dont shoo me away. I am you.
lets go out and Find life"
My Life is here. Cant you see I am working.

Just Red and now you are pale.
What do you want from me?
"Dont shoo life away. I am you.
Dont give up on you."

With Glimmering hope also came a buzzing call
I answered - Yes Sir. You will have the data in 15 mins.
"Colors faded , now I am just a fly
You shooed your life away'

Me and my Laptop

Mein aur meri laptop
aksar yeh baatein karte hain
har project execution smooth hoti
toh kaisa ho tha

Excel mei apne aap data bhar jatha
toh kaise hotha
Word document jaldi format hojatha
toh kamaal hotha

Business users testing jaldi karthe
toh achacha hotha
Testing karthe samai scope change
nahi karthe toh badiya hotha

client aur hum ek wavelenghth mei
sochthe hain toh kaisa hota
saare vendors ek doosre ko
help karthe toh mazaa aatha

saare team process follow karthe
toh behatar hotha
subah utthe hi escalation mail nahi hothi
toh achcha hotha

Mein aur meri laptop
aksar yeh baatein karte hain
har project execution smooth hoti
toh kaisa ho tha

Luck and God.

Scene: Watching Ganesha Visarjan from balcony.

Me: Do you believe in God?
Son: Yes
Me: Why?
Son: Newton's 3rd law
Me: ???
Son: I believe in Evil. Hence God.
Me: !!! when do you think of God?
Son: When I need luck.
Me: Luck? why do you need luck?
Son: I read in a quote "Luck is an elevator while hard work is stairs.
        Elevator may fall anytime, but stairs don't"
Me: Then why do you need elevator. You should always trust in hard work.
Son: yeah I know. But I am trusting luck to help me better in Mathematics exam tomorrow.

I am still trying to process all the above.

Lost and Not Willing to be Found

Its been so long.. So very long. 

Life has been a roller coaster, off late mostly of all lows .. Or should I say, a fall into an abyss. 

Feeling so inadequate in everything I do.  

Being neither a good mother, nor a good wife  and absolutely not a good daughter-in-law. 

And being worst manager and almost losing touch in being an individual contributor in the technology I used to love.  

I don't even look forward for weekend, on the contrary I hate weekends as equally as I abhor weekdays. Feel like whatever that was called as life has been sucked out of me. 

I don't even  remember the last time I had a talk about anything apart from estimation, overrun,   approvals , escalations, billing , resource replacements blah blah blah. At home it takes a lot and lot of effort even to smile.  And If I manage to smile at all anywhere I feel guilty as hell as I don't like my own self,  And I don't even have an iota of energy to work around and fix these. 

Sometimes I feel like running to someone or anyone yelling to save me from what I am right now. But then wonder what is that I should be saved from? 

Seeing all these old posts, I am wondering who were all these friends whom I have mentioned in these posts.  Who are they?   

I don't remember the last time when I said "I am fine" and I meant it. 

An Era of Collective Loneliness

Comfortable in a mask

I am a stranger to my friends 

The guard is always up

And is let down by alter ego

Only on FB and Twitter

Restaurants and credit cards

Beers and vouchers

trying hard to win love

still longing for personal space

I am a  team

lost in emptiness 

Trying to pose as me

still fighting to prove

I am better than you. 

Professionalism Gaya Thel lene

Location: Meeting Room, Office
Time: Working hours
Agenda: Technical Interview

She: ***Entering the room, showing a chair> please take your seat***
He:  ** sits**
She: Would you like some water. please feel comfortable.
He:  Yup
She: What is your relevant experience in blah blah. 
He:  10+ years blah blah blah blah
She: **He has been working in his present company only since early this year so asks**   You have just joined blah blah company. Why are you looking for a change so soon.
He: That is a silly question.
She: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She: if you find that question silly, then I guess my questions are over. you can leave now please,

It is so sad to see people with so much experience behaving so unprofessional.

Phokat Observation.

Just a Phokat Observation
**** Just Phokat as usual *****

Story Doesn't End Here

With
Doggy bag of Mixed feelings
Little Sense of accomplishment
Moments of disgrace
Unmatched Expectations
Small packets of sorrow
Highly Confused input
Scrambled output
And hopefully more work to do

Hence story surely doesn't end here

Songs and Memories

Every song has a story behind it. Every song has loads of memory attached to it. 

Some songs pull the strings in my heart. While some songs literally pauses a few heart beats. 

We usually project the situation we were at that given momemnt when we hear the song and we attach memories based on what the song is conveying metaphorically and musically.

Chaiya Chaiya song from dil se makes me feel free. Gives me a sense of freedom. That was the first movie that I saw in Bhopal with my college friends right after fresher's night at the end of multiple weeks of ragging. 

Titanic Song reminds me of those long days and nights spent preparing for entrance exams after 12th exams. It also bring back memories of a good school friend with whom we watched this movie and the tears I shed when he passed away. 

Jadu hai tera jadu ( Ghulam) gives me a feeling of achievement. This may be because I was listening to this song on my brand new walkman while returing to chennai after getting my REC seat for engineering. 

Koyi Fariyaad ( Tum Bin) early marriage car drives from home to work.

yaar yaar shivam (Anbe Sivam) .. literally stops time

These are very few songs from my big list. Memories come gushing from corners of heart which I never knew existed with so many of these gems. 

I am sure you would have your list too. 

It is me I am looking for

I was panicking yesterday
Coz I dint know
of What I was afraid

I am still looking today
And I now know
of what I am searching

In the worry about tomorrow
Lost myself in fear
Searching for self in today's pain.

It is me, I am looking for..
It is the me whom I lost yesterday

Today is the tomorrow
I was afraid of yesterday.

I survived today.
I Will survive tomorrow.

** not very happy with this

The Year that was

This year that was..
A year to undream and undust
A year that showed the unmasked self
A year of unwritten fates and obituaries
A year that shed those uncried tears
A year which needs to be unlived to unlearn

Curse of an Indian daughter in law

After being married we belong no where. 

We are treated like an outsider when we are at our ex-home by parents, coz we no longer belong in there. It is even better if we have a sister in law and our parents are staying  with brother. 

At the in-laws place.. yes we  are at  in-laws place. what more can we expect? 

yup.. all that we can expect is the wonderful new reporting structure.

Feeling at home!! we are free to feel at home at work if we are lucky enough to continue working.