Luck and God.

Scene: Watching Ganesha Visarjan from balcony.

Me: Do you believe in God?
Son: Yes
Me: Why?
Son: Newton's 3rd law
Me: ???
Son: I believe in Evil. Hence God.
Me: !!! when do you think of God?
Son: When I need luck.
Me: Luck? why do you need luck?
Son: I read in a quote "Luck is an elevator while hard work is stairs.
        Elevator may fall anytime, but stairs don't"
Me: Then why do you need elevator. You should always trust in hard work.
Son: yeah I know. But I am trusting luck to help me better in Mathematics exam tomorrow.

I am still trying to process all the above.

Lost and Not Willing to be Found

Its been so long.. So very long. 

Life has been a roller coaster, off late mostly of all lows .. Or should I say, a fall into an abyss. 

Feeling so inadequate in everything I do.  

Being neither a good mother, nor a good wife  and absolutely not a good daughter-in-law. 

And being worst manager and almost losing touch in being an individual contributor in the technology I used to love.  

I don't even look forward for weekend, on the contrary I hate weekends as equally as I abhor weekdays. Feel like whatever that was called as life has been sucked out of me. 

I don't even  remember the last time I had a talk about anything apart from estimation, overrun,   approvals , escalations, billing , resource replacements blah blah blah. At home it takes a lot and lot of effort even to smile.  And If I manage to smile at all anywhere I feel guilty as hell as I don't like my own self,  And I don't even have an iota of energy to work around and fix these. 

Sometimes I feel like running to someone or anyone yelling to save me from what I am right now. But then wonder what is that I should be saved from? 

Seeing all these old posts, I am wondering who were all these friends whom I have mentioned in these posts.  Who are they?   

I don't remember the last time when I said "I am fine" and I meant it.